Liberi Fartali
by Werefox1989
Summary: I HAVE ADDED A THIRD CHAPTER! And I suppose I'll keep the status as "In Progress", since I never know when I'll want to write another chapter. In this third one, Squall goes to Fire Cavern and has a huge, greedy sweet tooth. Even his kitty gets stoled...
1. Liberi Fartali

Author's Note: Never did I think I'd ever write a parody. I was just in a real silly mood one afternoon, and this came out of it as my outlet. This is not character bashing. I'll always love the FFVIII characters, and FFVIII happens to be my favorite right beneath FFI (NES version). Squall was practically my role model growing up, what with his bravery and compassion for others.

But hey. It's a game, which I like so much I made this parody to the intro. Enjoy!

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Squall's bareness sat on the toilet, exhaling a sigh of relief, though not just through his mouth. But he cursed under his breath, as he noticed not even one sheet of Charmin Ultra available for his wiping pleasure. Mumbling his frustration in Latin, he whipped out his cell phone and decided to send someone a text message to install some for him. After all, he needed some frickin' toilet paper.

"I'll be here…in this stall," he typed hastily, hating the idea of leaving the bathroom without the soft sensation of Charmin on his bottom.

He immediately got a reply to his text message.

"Why…?"

"I need some toilet paper. I'll be waiting here. If you come here, you'll find me. I promise. Bring Charmin Ultra…Less is more."

Miles away in Timber, Rinoa Heartily threw her cell phone into her glass of ginger ale, her eye twitching.

"What's the problem, Rinoa?" Zone asked her, looking up from the Girls Gone Wild magazine he drooled over.

Rinoa blinked, holding her hands cautiously to her chest as she watched her cell phone sizzle and zap in its electrocution. "I think the Charmin Bear just texted me," she said nervously. "It wanted toilet paper from me…"

"No way!" Zone exclaimed. "We've got a town to liberate!"

Rinoa cheered and clapped her hands. "Yeah! Waiter, more sodas, please!"

Squall waited tensely for a reply, but there was nothing. But luckily, after about forty-five minutes, he realized that all he really needed to do was let rip an explosive fart. Thusly he didn't need any toilet paper after all. However, the gaseous rumble of his cheeks hurt hugely, so he was now left with an extreme hemorrhoid. With that he pulled up his expensive looking leather pants, and buckled his unusual criss-crossed-red belts. He flipped his sexy long hair left and right to make sure it looked just perfect for the envious of his perfect anime features before exiting the stall.

But when he came out the door, he was whacked in the head with a toilet plunger by his archrival, Seifer. He held ashes in his hand, smirking.

"I burned all of the toilet paper with my Fira spell!" he laughed. "Why? To get in your FACE!"

He started to do the chicken dance. Squall held back tears of angst for the perfectly innocent Charmin that could never be stroked upon his crack, now ashes in that beeitch's hand. He seized another toilet plunger and tried to suffocate Seifer with the suction, but he parried the blow. Both pairs of eyes boring into each other's with hate, they raised to their feet, toilet plungers held high, and the chicken dance battle music started.

They charged, weapons of wood and rubber collided. They swung and whammed, skill and dexterity far too evenly matched to strike the other. As Seifer began reciting the incantation for Fira ("F is for Fire that burns up your Charmin, I is for IN YOUR FACE,"), Squall turned on the sink aside him and ripped off the knobs, water now squirting everywhere, soaking the two and drenching the floor. Squall flipped his soaking hair back, so beautifully in slow motion, and they charged towards each other.

But they both slipped on the wet floor, screaming like soprano gospel singers as they slid forward before crashing into each other's faces. And all went black.

Squall's vision slowly came into view. He screamed blood curdling and then started slapping the air, whimpering, at the sight of the horrid, old, saggy face that stared into his.

"Calm down, kid!" Dr. Kadowaki exclaimed in that extremely unattractive, nostalgic, old and dusty voice. Squall continued spazzing and panicking at her repulsive face, but then the doctor slapped him. Squall sat up, his beautiful, perfect anime eyes shooting venom into the evil and ugly old doctor hag's.

"How dare you strike my perfectly animated irresistible complexion!" Squall yelled. "NEVER touch my astounding anime beauty! Every FFVIII fan-girl finds me the hottest and sexiest FF guy in Square Enix!" He flipped his hair back. "Don't look at me…don't touch me, a hag like you doesn't deserve this splendor…"

Dr. Kadowaki snorted, and Squall was violently turned off at the reminder of a sow. She held a mirror in front of him. "Let's see how hot they'll think you are now!"

And to Squall's utter, heart stopping horror, the camera zoomed in like a microscope, at the now visible scratch on his nose.

All of Balamb Garden went deaf at his scream, students bumped into each other and fell into the furnace, it exploded and then the Training Center caught on fire. The Firefighters came but the scream of Squall made the truck explode and then the explosion of the truck made the communication Tower in Dollet explode so then the glass windows in every house and building in Dollet shattered, the people screaming and taking for cover. The screams caught the attention of aliens from Mars, so in the humans' vulnerability they came to Earth and shot mega laser beams everywhere. Trees caught on fire and people ran around in circles screaming for sanctuary. Once the aliens set Grandidi forest on fire, they roasted marshmallows and hotdogs over it, singing folksongs while the people of the world rushed in a mess of horrid panic. Once they had their satisfaction, they set up tents and were lulled to sleep by people screaming and ambulance sirens chiming.

Squall finally stopped screaming, and flipped his hair left to right, smiling broadly and waving at himself like Chris Crocker.

"I guess it's not that bad of a scratch," he concluded. "I'm too hot to ever be ugly… The people of the world love me because I'm me."

He looked up at Dr. Kadowaki. "And old hags like you hate me because you can never be me…"

He tusked at her, waving his finger sympathetically. With that he continued flipping his hair and beaming in the mirror. And Squall lived happily ever after.

Author's Note: Messed up stuff, but oh how fun it was. Parodies are not my choice of writing, but I do want to appeal to more readers. Please review. If it's worth it, then maybe I'll write a sequel if I get in another goofy mood one day. Thanks for reading :D


	2. Mean mean Sorceress

With Dr. Kadowaki now fainted from her patient's previous ear-wrenching scream of horror, sexily flawless and utterly gorgeous Squall now held the mirror himself, tenderly applying blush and mascara to his beaming face. He giggled occasionally, applauding himself for how hot he remained even after such an epic, dangerous battle with mean old Seifer.

"Screw the Maybelline," he decided about three hours into his mirror session. "I'm born with it."

Just then, he heard the automated doors to the Infirmary open and in walked his Instructor, Quistis Trepe. She looked at him with a sigh, rolling her eyes, and approached him.

Squall cowered at her imperfect features. It felt so poisonous to his perfectness.

"I want my Maybelline back. Now," Quistis said with her palm out.

Squall flipped his hair out of his face, slow motion emphasizing the stunning beauty that totally outweighed the woman before him. "You can have it," he snapped. "You need it more than I…"

She wrenched it from his hand and made a sour face. She snapped twice in defiance and said, "Get out of that bed, betch. Today is the field exam."

Squall pouted loudly. "I never agreed that I was going to do that!" he exclaimed. "I WANTED TO BE IN THE BEAUTY PAGEANT!" he whined.

Quistis momentarily turned into Auron. "If you want to prove yourself…"he/she said mysteriously, "You must first complete the tasks that are given to you." He turned back into Quistis before exiting the infirmary.

Squall procrastinated for about an hour, his arms folded and face scrunched. He didn't belong on the battlefield. That's where people get hurt; get scars, even on the face! He hated training with that stupid, scary ol' gunblade. One time when he was training he accidentally pulled the trigger and it exploded right next to his tooshie. He jumped and pranced and cried, and what made his bottom feel better again? The stroke of Charmin Ultra…no one will ever understand me, he thought miserably. No one ever pampered him, as he deserved for such trauma. At least I'm more beautiful than everyone ever, he assured himself with a sniff.

Squall dragged himself to class, his shimmering hair covering his insecure face. He walked over to his desk…walked

Walked…

Walked…

…Walked…

Wtf, he thought, my desk isn't this far away-

BANG

He had crashed into a wall, for in his insecure emoness as his hair covered his eyes, he could not see where he was going. But all the same, with a tragic effort, he flipped his hair out of his face in another close up slow motion with a brief angst of a musical score, just so he could track down his seat and sit. He sat with his head down, staring at his desk, so insecure. I don't belong with these faces, he thought…I'm just too beautiful.

"Good morning everyone!" Instructor Quistis Trepe chirped, prancing toward the front desk, where sat about a dozen apples. She seized one and took a huge bite; a loud "MMMMM!" resonated from her chest up into her throat. "Tah-day," she said through mouthfuls, "Iz da feeld xam. Iv u haven't passed da fyur cavurn, u wull remain here in sdudy hall until you pass it. Oh, and SYVUR!" she called to the back of the class; apple chunks blew from her mouth in her exclamation.

Mean old Seifer looked at the Instructor coolly.

"DO NOT ambush classmates while they're in the bathroom," Quistis spewed. "Be courteous from now on."

Seifer glanced over at poor insecure Squall indignantly, and shot a spitball into his face. Squall leaped from his seat with horrid whining- a spitball-on his face-what to do- and the boss battle music started.

The molecules in the saliva blob sticking to his complexion began seeping into his pores. Such soiling of his skin was the first step to resulting in breakouts. He had to get this weapon of mass-uglifying off, but no way could he touch it with his hands, and get the nasty on there too! He started prancing around his desk like a two-year-old, obliviously helpless as the saliva soaked deeper and deeper into his clean, clear pores-

"Squall!" Quistis called. "Don't you remember your GF? Draw something from the spitball!"

Whimpering, Squall initiated the Draw command on the horrible pussy blob.

Received 5 Proactive Refining Masques!

He opened one of the bottles and squirt it all over his face, the blob falling off somewhere in the cascading pimple cream. And Squall collapsed onto his desk in a motionless heap.

And the victory music played.

Crickets.

Squall farted explosively, the heat reviving him like the warm fire of a phoenix. He sat back in front of his desk.

"Well then!" Quistis said after an awkward silence. "Who can tell me WHY we must take the Field Exam today?"

Crickets.

"To become SeeDs, stupid eeswops," she said, snapping indignantly. "And WHY do we become SeeDs?"

Crickets and tumbleweed.

"TO DEFEAT THE FECKING SORCERESS, DEMMIT!" she exclaimed impatiently, her head as huge as her desk and temple pulsing. "NOW, THEN, WHY DO WE WANT TO DEFEAT THE SORCERESS? HM? HHHMMMM?"

Squall gasped in realization, and retreated to the corner, sucking his thumb and rocking back and forth in a traumatized fetal position.

"The Sorceress stole our cookies…" he remembered quietly.

"YES!" Quistis said, and her head returned to normal size, her face now sad and honorable. "Every single cookie…chocolate chip…oatmeal raisin…Oreo…nutty butty…and all else." She looked to her class climatically. "Garden trains SeeDs to fight the Sorceress. And why? We're in this together, we want our cookies back. This is why we must fight, future SeeDs. For our cookies!" She whooped with a punch in the air.

"That's all we do," Squall pouted, and flipped his hair left, right, then back with each of his next word. "Fight fight fight."

Quistis snapped to the left and snapped to the right then slapped her own butt defiantly, her face scrunched up. "You," and she pointed at Squall. "I need to talk to you. Class is dismissed."

Each student paired up and square danced out of the room.

Squall made sure his stunning bangs were still very much in his face before approaching Ghetto-Queen Quistis, but not so much that he couldn't see.

"You haven't been to the Fire Cavern yet, have you?" Quistis asked.

Squall was instantly fired up. "I was GOING to go after I was done in the bathroom, but then mean old butt hole Seifer- "

"BURN!" Quistis exclaimed, thrusting her palm an inch away from Squall's face, which made him cower. "Excuses won't do you a potty-hole of good with me, betch. You can't take the Field Exam today until you pass this prerequisite." She slapped his butt, and Squall let out a frilly 'OOOO!' "Now get your eess to the Front Gate. I'll be miraculously waiting there even though I'm standing before you right now, as is the unlimited function of a video game program."

Squall rubbed his sore bottom as he walked down the hall, an extremely annoying pouty expression slathered all over his face.

"I'm late, I'm late, I'm LATE!!!" a chipmunk voice exclaimed, and a petite girl ran into Squall from the other side when she turned the corner. "YEEEOWW!" she squeaked.

"She touched me! SHE TOUCHED ME!!!" Squall panicked, and ran around in circles in hope that the wind would air him out. "MOVE, BETCH!" he growled, and shoved past her, but in his mess of horrid panic he missed the elevator and fell off the side down to the 1st floor. He landed on a Bomb that had escaped from the Trainer Center and it exploded then the Garden collapsed.

"Much too good for SeeDs," Sorceress Edea said gruntingly, shoving a handful of cookies into her mouth, beaming.

Author's Note: Well, I felt like a German stoic as I proofread this, but as long as it made _you_ laugh that's really what matters. Thanks for reading, and feel free to dump in the reviews!


	3. Fire & Ice, and Gas

Author's Note: Here is the next chapter of everything that Final Fantasy VIII is NOT (Well, with the exception of Dr. Kadowaki **urp** **ugh** **barf**) I regret to inform that this chapter is borderline Teen rated. I turned up the extremity a notch…or so…but I'm pretty sure that if you liked the first and second chapter, you'll love this one! Enjoy.

That sinfully stunning body of Squall's strolled pompously down the hallway, flipping his hair left – right – left – right, with each of his corresponding steps. Students female AND male sighed passionately, fainting in his wake. Squall bopped his head to a tune.

"I say sexy things to myself when I'm ddAAncccing. Take it away, Griever, ma pimp." He said with a _SNAP _of his fingers.

He Summoned Griever, whom crashed through the ceiling, debris and chunks of material littering the floor and squashing stupid students who didn't move out of the way in time, watching idiotically as if each hunk of stone descended slowly. Griever pointed to the air and jerked his hips.

"CAT. I'M A KITTY CAT. AND I" –he alternately stomped a foot with each of the word- "DANCE DANCE DANCE AND I DANCE DANCE DANCE"-

The Garden began to collapse at the giant kitty's stomping and singing. Students ran around screaming and accidentally killing each other with their weapons striking out of pure panic and anxiety. But anime hotness and his trusty GF continued to sing-

"I SAY SEXY THINGS TO MYSELF WHEN I'M DAAAAANCCCCING!"

"I SAY SEXY THINGS TO MYSELF WHEN I'M DAAAAANCCCCING!"

Windows shattered as their octaves grew higher and higher. Squall was so very at peace, singing harmoniously with his kitty-kitty-mew-mew-

But then Griever disappeared, and a cackling voice chimed in Squall's ears.

"_Ha, ha, ha, ha!" _It shrieked. _"I'll get you, my pretty! I have your little kat already! Eeee heee heeee heee heee heeeeee! With your powerful GF I kan achieve that ever elusive time kompression, so I kan travel in time and buy out the klearance sale of nail polish and shoes! Eeee heee heeee heee heee heeeeee!" _And with a crash of thunder, the voice silenced. But the silence was almost immediately broken.

Squall screamed ear-drum-burstingly and pranced and jumped like a two-year-old. He already made perfect plans to be the first at that clearance sale, and now the mean old Sorceress, he presumed, was going to use his kitty to get there before him! No fair! No fair!

"NOOOO FAAAIIIIR!!!!!" Squall yelled, his face turned red, then blue, and then everything went black.

The Infirmary was packed with students who had either broken bones, deep puncture wounds, or popped eardrums. In many cases, all of the above.

"DDDRRRINNNKK TTHIIISSS!" Dr. Kadowaki yelled for the dozenth time to a deafened student. "IT – WILL - REPAIR- YOUR – HEARING!"

"WHAAAAAT?" the student replied again. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

Meanwhile Squall yelled and cried while running wildly to the Front Gate. If it was up to him, he'd go and kill the sorceress now to put an end to such nonsense, because it's that betch's own fault that she exists in the future and can't logically come to the clearance sale in Squall's time period. Why doesn't she just find her OWN sale in her OWN time period? Well, he supposed that that era was probably destroyed by her freakishly powerful sorceress-ness anyway, so there wouldn't be any such thing as a clearance sale. So that Ultima-Betch is screwed. But seriously, first their cookies, now his kitty? But no fair stealing his kitty! NO FAIR! No fair stealing EITHER….

"You're late," Quistis snapped (literally) as Squall stumbled into her presence.

In his horrible, traumatized mood, he didn't think twice not to spew without considering the potential disciplinary consequences, "I don't take orders from YOU, wop of my eess!" and he snapped and animatedly wiped his butt with an invisible sheet of toilet paper. Quistis was so appalled that her eyes bulged and she gasped, inhaling so quickly and deeply that in about five seconds she passed out with a blueberry-blue face. Squall unzipped his pants and left his urine on her face, nodded righteously, and walked away. (After zipping back up his pants!) "I didn't know I could do it standing up…" he realized with fascination.

Squall strolled into the field. It was beautiful, blue skies, green grass, and the gentle ocean waves some distance away. He felt enlightened and skipped merrily about, picking flowers while ripping off the petals and throwing them into the air, giggling and beaming and singing, "Girls, they want to have fu-un! Oh girls just want to have fuuunn!" Everything is so sweet and wonderful and-

**CRINCH**

Squall held his tooshie with both hands and jumped and yelled and whined at the stinging bite, and turned around to see a big, blue, horrible ugly Bite Bug smiling at him.

'Nyhahaha!' it laughed.

Squall punched it and ran away, his arms flailing in the air until he soon tripped over an inconveniently placed turkey sandwich and-

BOOM

He raised his head from the ground, only to see a monstrous, reptilian foot before him. He looked up, and just as he did, the giant face of a T-Rexaur burped explosively, the odor of feces and rotten raw chicken tornadoing upon Squall's face. His face turned green with sick and he felt nauseated as the gas drafted into his nostrils.

"HUMAN," the T-Rexaur's booming voice gurgled. "FRRIIIEEEND!"

"EEEWWW!" Squall whimpered, scrambling to his feet. He pulled out a bottle of disinfectant spray, ripped off the lid, and dumped it on his head. "You are DITHGUTHTING! Horrible ugly scary monster!"

The T-Rexaur's face scrunched into a mess of saddened rage. "THEN YOU NO MORE THAN SQUISHIE TO ME!" it roared, and began to stomp about, far too big of a meathead to accurately step on his targeted squish. Squall whipped out another bottle of Refining Masque, whirled it in his hand, aimed and squeezed the cream up at the T-Rexaur's face. It stumbled and fell backward with and earthshaking BANG, so then Squall ran for it.

"Ah am the PEEMP of Balamb, MoFo!" He snapped twice victoriously as he strolled on, soaking himself in glory and verbal rewards and pep talks. He walked on mindlessly, drowning in his victory; no one's better than him, especially not those two beeitchs, so he strolled on…

But he suddenly felt really hot. In fact he had been walking in a cave lit by lava, but didn't realize it until just now. He was too busy worshipping himself to notice the complete change of scenery, temperature, and background music. (What an idiot.) So scared of the unknown, he turned around and tried to run back but couldn't find his way out! (Idiot! The Fire Cavern is the easiest dungeon in the game.) He also remembered that in his pompous state of self-glory he had kicked the Garden Faculty guarding the Cavern in their nuts and confidently set the timer for not 40, not 30, not 20, not 10, but 5 minutes. And he wasn't even guarded by an Instructor, for in his defiant and whiny loss-of-kitty he had offended Quistis Trepe to the point of fainting by stealing her Ghetto-Queen lingo. All in all, he would finish this exam as dead meat, flayed extra crispy. What an absolute friggin idiot!

"STOP CAWLING ME NAMES!" Squall yelled like a two year-old, stomping and flailing his arms in a frustrated tantrum. His tongue hung out with a revolting series gurgling screams, eyes closed so tightly the lids ripped open as the timer counted down to 4 more minutes.

Well I'm the writer, so I can do whatever the **h** I want! **snap snap**

In fact, I can make the timer run out now and the whole cave will explode and all cookies and beauty products and shoes will explode!

"NAAAOOOO!" Squall jumped and yelled.

I can make you enter into the beauty pageant, then.

Squall gasped, his head a huge delighted anime balloon with shimmering eyes and rosy cheeks.

Or I could just get this part of the story over with.

And Squall found himself with his gunblade pierced through Ifrit's chest! He had passed the fire Cavern! YAY (confetti and balloons)

Ifrit looked down at the gunblade stuck in his red, hairy chest. "AH, CRAP," his raspy voice bellowed. "STUPID WRITER DIN' EVEN LET ME FIGHT! OKAY, I GUESS I"LL JOIN YA, LADY WITH THE GUN SWORD," he said to Squall, and disappeared inside his head. Squall held his forehead and panicked.

"There's a beast in my head! THERE'S A BEAST IN MY HEAD! Get it out, get it out, it's going to make me masculine!"

"LOOK AT ALL THIS CRAP!" Ifrit said with his claws on his hips disapproavingly, looking around in Squall's brain, in which was cluttered with CosmoGirl Magazines, empty Sarafem prescriptions, boxes of Always, empty chocolate bar wrappers, every one of Celine Dion's and Kelley Clarkson's C.D.s, lipstick, mascara, blush, hair removal cream, a T.V with Lifetime and E! as every one of the ninety channels, and finally, mirrors from floor to ceiling.

"What are you doing in my head!?" Squall demanded. "Stop! No! Out! OUT!"

Ifrit burned all of the magazines, Always boxes, chocolate bar wrappers, and prescriptions with his Fire magic. He shattered every mirror with his huge beefy fists, and threw everything else out through Squall's ears.

"NO!" Squall exclaimed. "NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!"

Squall continued to pout and whine and stomp as Ifrit refilled Squall's brain with one hundred pounds of steak, a grill, fifty boxes of twelve pack beers, a new high-def 5x5 foot T.V. with football and wrestling on every channel, and indeed, posters of gorgeous woman plastered on every space of floor, wall, and ceiling.

"YEAH!" Ifrit bellowed. "THE MAN'S DOMAIN!"

Squall was outraged. "You know wut, EESS WO-" but his neck cracked and tongue lolled out with wide eyes. There was a pop, a crackle, and smoke chugged out of his ears. His neck went loose and limber, his head bowed and hair in his face.

…

**Click**

Squall slowly raised his head, rock-out-loud electric guitar music streaming in the air. His once perfect anime hotness face was now covered in five-day stubble, his eyes bloodshot with dark circles underneath. His lips were chapped and his fingernails were dirty and gnawed upon. He scratched his head of now greasy brittle hair, and then held his fingers before him.

And with a SNAP of his fingers, a great wall of fire burst upward behind him. He strolled back to the Garden entrance in slow motion, the electric guitar violently stringing like crazy. Squall had become MANLY.

He strolled into the Garden; every girl he gave a sharp look at went weak at the knees and fainted. He was hot! Too hot for them to stand! He felt GOOOOD.

Squall's head whirled around, and he looked like the old anime-hotness him again. "What's happening!?" he asked feverishly. "Help! Hel-!"

"SHUD UP!" Ifrit roared, and punched the wall of Squall's head. His face spun back into manly Squall. He strolled down the halls, cussing out anyone who stared at him for more than two seconds or asked, "Is that YOU, Squall!?"

But the true, giddily transsexual Squall in his core knew that something was wrong. His face reverted back to anime-hotness Squall, and he started to run about, screaming, "HELP ME! HELP ME, I'M MANLY! GET THIS MEAN OL' HORRIBLE BEAST OUT OF MY HEAD!"

"SHUDDUP, YOU LIL' GIRL!" Ifrit bellowed, and punched the wall of Squall's head again. Now in a state of half manly Squall, half the old anime-hotness Squall, he ran feverishly to the 2nd floor classroom, trying to sing, "Girls juust want to have fuu-un!", but yet also so very craving a beer and wanting to see overly padded meatheads throw a ball around.

"Shiva!" Squall exclaimed when he made it to his desk. "You stupid lazy hoe, get out of there, I need your help! This is important!"

Shiva climbed out of the computer monitor and tripped on her way out with a THUMP. She screamed and pouted at her hand. "I broke a nail! This had better be REALLY important, you betch-" and she turned to look at him- "OH MY GAWD!"

The adorable honey she thought she knew looked nothing like the adorable honey she thought she knew! "What happened to you!? You poor, poor little hoe!" she exclaimed at the sight of manly Squall.

Squall's necked jerked around, and then he felt manly. "Hey darling," He said smoothly, "You look COLD, babe, let me warm you up…"

"Snap out of it!" Shiva bellowed, and slapped him across the face. She pulled something out of her pocket (as if she even has any pockets!)

"Look at this!" she teased, hoping this would bring him back to his senses (SENSES!? Senses don't exist in Liberi Fartali!) "You want it? You want it??"

The Twix Bar between her fingers totally reawakened the real anime-hotness Squall. His eyes exploded into the size of boulders as he shouted, "Chocolate, AND cookie in one! Chocolate cookie! CHOCOLATE COOKIE!"

The door burst open to reveal every resident in Balamb Garden. The Headmaster Cid Kramer stood in front of the crowd and bellowed. "Stop! Surrender that cookie or die, evil Sorceress!"

"No, I'm not the Sorceress, I'm Shiva, Squall's GF!" Shiva defended.

"NOW the sorceress is even trying to abduct our cookies by disguising herself as our GFs!" a student exclaimed, outraged. "CHARGE! LET OUR COOKIE GO!"

"NO!" Squall yelled. "It's MY cookie!"

"I'm the Headmaster, I started Garden, it's my cookie!" Cid Kramer argued.

"I deserve the cookie!" another student argued. "I'm on the honor roll!"

"Well I'M on the honor roll too!"

"But so am I! I won't share it with the likes of you!"

"Well I'M a SeeD!"

Everyone started arguing and drawing his and her weapons, but Squall yelled, "QUUIIEET!!!"

Everyone looked at him, and all fell silent.

"What are we doing to each other!?" Squall asked dramatically. Climatic, bonding music began to play in the background. "We are all a part of Garden. We all want the same thing; we are all part of Garden for the same reason. We can't let what we seek come between us! We're together, not against each other!"

Everyone was crying and hugging each other and blowing their noses. "Now," Squall announced, his voice full of empathy and emotion, hushing the crowd with raised arms. "Let us not argue over this cookie, but let it be a symbol. A symbol- "

There was the sound of a record scratch as the music stopped, and in a great speed Squall had snatched the Twix from Shiva's fingers and shoved the whole thing in his mouth, crunched and swallowed, wrapper and all. "A symbol when it comes out my ees as a big poop, that I OWN all you MoFos! Mwahahahaha!"

"TRAITOR!" Cid Kramer screamed. "We have a traitor in our midst! ATTACK!"

Everyone charged, weapons drawn with an ear piercing war cry. Squall summoned Ifrit; he cast fire and Squall readied a fart-

And the entire Garden erupted in a tower of flames.

---

Meanwhile in Timber, Rinoa was looking at the Newspaper as her friend Zone licked and sniffed a Girls Gone Wild Second Edition magazine.

"Zone?" she asked, concerned and baffled at the article she had just finished reading.

Zone licked his chops and swallowed a hunk of hacked up phlegm. "Yeah?" he managed.

"Well," Rinoa observed, "We've been sitting here in this café for days trying to liberate our town, which is quite…" she looked to her left and right, in which laid about a dozen drunken and/or passed out of the city's terrorists."…uneventful anyway." She finished. "But," Rinoa continued, holding the article in front of Zone and pointing out the highlights, "it seems that the attack from Mars was linked to an incident around Balamb. And, the Garden there blew up twice." She folded her arms thoughtfully. "As a Resistance Faction, shouldn't we be doing something there instead? Clearly there must be someone in that area responsible for all this destruction. I think we should track this person down and do something about it."

Zone had the look that he had zoned out (how ironic). "Uhhm…" he tried, "Yeah…right after I finish my…reading material."

"Okay!" Rinoa chirped. "Waiter, I'll have another ginger ale, please!"

---

Quistis slowly opened her eyes, rubbing away the sleep crusts. She stood hazily, and held her head until she soon felt balanced. Something smelled awful, and it seemed to be all over her face. She turned around and gasped.

"What in the name of Tyra Banks happened to the Garden!?" The Instructor-of-Ghetto-Trepe exclaimed. But amongst the rubble and ashes, she noticed an object of different shape and color. It sparkled as she realized what it was.

"Hey, an oatmeal raisin cookie!" Quistis chirped. She skipped over to it merrily with a frilly **doink doink doink** sound at each step. She bent over to pick it up-

And the T-Rexaur Squall had fought earlier lunged forward and swallowed Quistis whole.

"MMMMM," it gurgled. "DINNER AND DESSERT IN ONE BITE!" but then his stomach lurched. "URGH! THAT HUMAN TASTED LIKE HORSE URINE!" his great chest heaved, and he spewed puke down the streets of Balamb City and everyone drowned in his sick. The T-Rexaur fainted with an earthshaking BANG, the land rumbled, and the entire continent of Balamb collapsed into the sea.

BREAKING NEWS!

NOW ALL OF BALAMB CONTINENT IS UNDERWATER! BUT HOW DOES IT ALWAYS COME BACK? AND WHO ALWAYS CAUSES SUCH DEVASTATION?

Rinoa gulped generously from her cup and broke the sound barrier with a belch, shattering three or four windows. "What next?" she asked, drowning in wonder.

Author's Note: That was fun. Spew your review.


End file.
